Borderline Chronicles: Recurrent suicidal gestures, threats, or self-mutilating behavior

Part 6

Trigger Warning: While this post does not contain detail of actual suicidal acts, it does contain information about personal accounts of suicidal ideation that may precipitate flashback reactions…Enjoy!

Self-mutilating behavior, recurrent suicidal behaviors are common traits in BPD. Even though the intent of self-mutilating behaviors and suicidal threats usually does not carry a suicidal plan, it does create discomfort among BPD and increase fear and concerns among loved ones. Self-mutilating behavior and recurrent suicidal behavior serve to express distress and communicate emotion and are used at times as general coping skills. These suicidal gestures indicate observable symptoms for implicit issues of emotion regulation, impulse control issues, and deficits in interpersonal relations. The risk of engaging in non-suicidal incidents is elevated with people with BPD, and these behaviors are also risk markers in BPD.

Age: 33

Living with Borderline personality disorder for a long as I can remember, one thing that has been persistent in my thoughts and feelings is the desire for relief from the chronic symptoms of the painful, ongoing cycle of being borderline. Even though I have never attempted suicide, it is not a relief as that didn’t stop me from thinking that life would be easier without me and an instant incomplete and vague plan of how my family will continue life without me. The disorder for me is precise as the name suggests Borderline, suggesting that there was a line called sanity that separates the chaotic feature of being borderline. Then there would be a line of complete stability and balance.

 I am always on the edge of my thoughts, on the edge of life, always thinking that what I have is never enough, and my self-worth is always tied to the fantasy of the undesirable border. While I have never attempted to self-hurt myself, it’s there in my thoughts when I have the worst days. I have learned to live and accept the diagnosis of BPD with the use of self-help books and occasionally going to therapy. Otherwise, my family thinks I possess rightfully so. I usually think they were very critical of my behavior. It has not been until I was tired of the behavior that I sympathize with them for the empathy they showed me over the years with the occasional complaint when they were out of options on responding to my behavior.

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