Over the past few months, I have been searching for a meaningful existence. Working, enjoying the company of family and friends, and fulfilling my role as a volunteer court-appointed specialist was no longer fulfilling for me. I yearn for more. To be more present in what I do, create a more meaningful impact on others, and, most importantly, live. I recently noticed that I have been swinging through this life’s journey like a zombie, to the point I forgot to live. I was always rushing to complete a milestone and eager to achieve an accomplishment that I forgot to enjoy the steps and the journey. The destination was my goal, and now all these successes that I have set for myself do not seem memorable; it looks hollow. I made a conscious effort to reevaluate my life. After all, I am paid to assess others, so a complete assessment of my life is warranted. I have partly figured out what I need to do to achieve true personal impact, and I won’t lie, I haven’t figured it all out. As an old proverb says,” you don’t have to be great to try, but you have to try to be great” well, I have started and hope.
Fear has been a massive component of why I have been complacent and stuck. I read …Feel the fear and do it anyway” by Susan Jeffers; I felt that the author was speaking to me, and thorough reading half of the book, I didn’t gain much new information but, more importantly, my innate desire to be great has reemerged.
The veracious self-revelation is me as my worst deterrent and my quest to use myself to be my greatest cheerleader. After reading this book, I have become aware of the unconscious personal roadblocks that I have erected in my life over the years.
One of the most rewarding self-experience was learning to be thankful for my newfound ability to be kind and patient with myself. I have always been empathetic to others and would be the first to tell someone that it is ok to have bad days and life can never be great all day. Even so, I didn’t permit myself to feel dispirited; that didn’t stop me from feeling disheartened at times, but I was unforgiving of myself. I would disapprove for not achieving perfection, for making mistakes, or for having unfavorable emotions. Fortunately, I have transitioned to an expert at repulsing the feeling of self-judgment. Not only am I forgiving of myself, but I expect to make mistakes as I have learned when I allow myself the opportunity to be human. I await my journey.