Borderline Chronicles Double Divided: Feeling suspicious or out of touch with reality.

Part 7

Since I wrote a piece on one of the most complicated and misunderstood personality disorders, my goal was to have a real-life account of each personality trait. I haven’t been able to find one, but today we are in luck.

One of the traits or characteristics you prefer to say for people is suspicious thoughts or paranoia. This is not the average slang where people throw around to say: you are paranoid, no this is real paranoia, for others its more severe than some, and no one person has the same experience theory all differ. People who experience paranoia may dissociate (a mental disconnection from one’s thoughts and feelings). You may feel spaced out during alone time, or when others are talking, you may hear the conversation but not actively listen. There is a total loss of reality where the person may feel disconnected from their body and lose touch with reality. I can be manifested in suspicions.

Age 36

 What can I say? I experience extreme paranoia when I am under a lot of stress. At the back of my mind, when everything is over, I know that the feelings and voices are not accurate at the back of my mind. The votes are not telling me to perform any dangerous act, but the voices are not kind either. I was at work, and I was very stressed; my workstation was close to a coworker; she was playing music. I was having a hard time completing a task. I felt that I was not performing and solving the task at the appropriate speed with the necessary accuracy; I became so hot and heated, I sat sweating in the air-conditioned room, imagine that I started hearing voices telling me that I was worthless, I couldn’t get anything right and that I would lose my customer. Of course, I believed the latter immediately and what I did.

I told the client that I wasn’t able to complete the job. Of course, that wasn’t true. I thought I was doing her a favor by not waiting an additional 10 minutes to complete the task as I was having difficulty finishing the almost completed product. And indeed, I spent 10 minutes apologizing to the client for not providing the service and providing her with referrals to get it elsewhere. In comparison, I could have used those exact 10 minutes to regain composure, take a five-minute break, regroup and finish the product, but I believed the voices as I always do mostly. Talk about self-sabotage. In a nutshell, my voices always make me feel defeated and conform to their norm of thinking I am not good enough. I was overcome with a real sense of outwardness where I felt I was floating outside of my body and my thoughts and body were not in sync.

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